I always remember the time, years ago, when I overheard my 12-year old daughter having a talk with some friends. At one point, she uttered the most remarkable statement: “She’s just acting like that because she’s a popular person, but nobody likes the popular people!”
Later that day, I pulled my daughter aside to get her expert advice on life and relationships. I asked what in the world she meant when she had said that nobody likes the popular people. She responded as naturally as you can imagine, “Well, the popular people are the people everybody knows, like the jocks and the cheerleaders, but lots of them are jerks, and everybody knows that, too.”
So, we live in a world where image is manufactured instantaneously and perpetually, yet even a middle school kid knows the difference between being known and popular in the moment versus being truly liked and respected. The former is superficial; the latter is truly valuable.
Let’s take a look at what Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People has to say about making people like us. Here are his six principles:
- Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people. Carnegie says, “Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitled What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he says, ‘It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.’” Take a genuine interest in each member of your startup team – both in and out of the office – and you’ve taken a huge stride towards being a likable leader.
- Principle 2: Smile. “The employment manager of a large New York department store told me she would rather hire a sales clerk who hadn’t finished grade school, if he or she has a pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of philosophy with a somber face.” Think back to your own bosses. Haven’t you always regarded the ones who often smiled higher than the ones who didn’t?
- Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. “We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.” Develop a habit of saying the other person’s name occasionally during conversations and they’ll feel more drawn to you.
- Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. “Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.” Effective leaders don’t simply give orders – they have genuine conversations with their teams and listen carefully to their issues and concerns.
- Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. “Yet I know if I hadn’t found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn’t have found him one-tenth as easy to approach.” Great leaders can discuss issues at their subordinates’ level, and they show team members ways fulfill their own roles better and with greater satisfaction.
- Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely. “There is one all-important law of human conduct … The law is this: Always make the other person feel important … William James said, ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.’ As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself.” Nothing earns the scorn of teammates faster than a leader that constantly tears them down. Be supportive, and make sure team members understand how their efforts represent a meaningful contribution to the success of the startup.
Again and again in Carnegie’s book, we see the importance of making meaningful connections to build effective relationships. It is easier to lead when people like you because people do not want to give their time, energy, or money to someone they do not like. Having written hundreds of business plans, I can personally attest to the fact that the most successful people seem almost universally likable. They have an ability to be charming and friendly, and they exemplify Carnegie’s six principles. They are special people. Not only do people like them, they like to like them! This is a great secret of effective leadership.
In Carnegie, we continue finding that the great joy and privilege of personal development is worthy of unlimited study. We grow in our appreciation of the great leadership talents of others, and the simple fact that we can learn and grow our own leadership abilities as well.
